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when knowing feels scary and love feels scarce

Updated: Jun 21, 2022

a stream of consciousness share about human design (sort of) and about how Knowing for your self can be scary when you believe that doing so may cut you off from love and connection (and how it actually doesn’t.)

the amount of answers that human design is able to definitively provide (for and from each individual subjective point of questioning) is actually terrifying to a mind that has found comfort in the belief that one can never really Know.

when subjective but real, concrete Knowing challenges and pokes holes in the perceptions and behaviors that we’ve (justifiably) adopted out of a desire to survive and have come to believe are what makes us worthy of love and belonging (and thus the continuation of safe alive-ness), it is easier to shrug off and brush aside what our one and only instrument of inner-self-compass is telling us and to minimize it as just one of many possible truths. it is easier to convince ourselves to remain open to all potential possibilities (conditioning) rather than a fluctuating canvas of possibilities that are anchored to the constancy of ones’ definition (individualized discernment). it is easier (or we think it is) because when we honor our differentiated truth as the primary anchor of our evolving perceptions, we lose access to the delusion that anyone or anything outside of our self can ever fully affirm and validate our experiences, existence, correctness, or worth.

not a single other person sees what you see from the vantage point you see it from. this stands for any given individual moment as well as the compilation of billions of moments that have cultivated your perception up to this point in your life.

that can be some scary shit to really look in the face. especially after a lifetime of looking to external sources to confirm one’s sense of truth.

a cool thing though, is that when we decide to take the plunge into trusting our own form as the anchor, we become more available for intersections of actual resonance with others. we get to find the ways in which our own perception in any given moment authentically matches up either in unison, delightful simple harmony, or crunchy but rich dissonance with others who are also trusting themselves to know their own process. and we get to experience a full range of connective experience, allowing each of them to enrich, expand, and clarify our Own awareness. it is through this type of relating that we access the ability to truly see and be seen - a craving that is at the root of more superficial ways of relating that are conventionally considered to be correct.

those moments of clear, distilled, authentic resonance are a treat. they are life giving. they are actually validating and affirming in a way that our wildest conditioned dreams cannot even fathom. and they are also transient. fleeting, sometimes. impermanent. never belonging to us in a way that can be bottled up and preserved. and certainly not able to be commodified. we receive these moments of resonance like passing winks from whatever our perception of source or creation is. we can open our hearts to them, but then must keep our hearts open and allow them to pass, trusting they’ll return in another time, in another form. and if we do not believe that they are abundantly and readily available to us as we move on, we will cling, our hearts will close, we will lose ourselves, and we will compromise our ability to receive these playful expressions of actual love in whatever shape of human interconnectedness they are offered to us through next.

easier said than done, of course. and scary.

this is why they say human design isn’t for everyone. i’ve always struggled with that notion, because from my vantage point, each of us is both worthy of and capable of a life which honors our birthright of autonomous self reflected consciousness. i get though, why they say that.

human design might not be for you, for now, if the security of (what might be) a facade of constant belonging is a non negotiable.

human design might not be for you, for now, if it is your preference to be anchored to a tribally or collectively verified truth.

human design might not be for you, for now, if you feel more comfortable not Knowing at all rather than not knowing what you don’t know but trusting what you do.

even for those of us that human design is “for,” there will be moments when we, out of a desire to feel secure, loved, safe, affirmed, validated, will set aside what we Know in order to cope, rest, integrate, experiment, or protect our soft hearts from the severity of our isolated existence. and this is okay, too. because human design is meant to be an experiment, and a process.

there is, of course, another way to express all of this that shifts attention from the bleakness of individual existence towards the actually super fun and liberating acceptance of it, but that will have to come from a different part of my wave. today i observe and make sense from the bottom of it, but with the memory of many different moments throughout it that enable me to express the beauty within the melancholic, rather than the other way around.

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