honoring my fleeting knowing around money, security, and responsibility
it has been challenging for me to come to a place of centeredness or conclusion about money, security, and responsibility amongst all the rapidly changing and conflicting thoughts that cross my mind these days on those topics.
[my 2nd house capricorn stellium may be showing]
i’m learning to sit with these thoughts and remembering that like all thoughts, they are not me. i am the entity observing them, all the while knowing my truth that exists and always has existed in the background of these changing takes, regardless of how clear the connection to that truth is at any given moment.
i know this will be a life long learning opportunity for me; to reconcile the need to feel secure and independent with the need to live a life aligned to my values. to somehow learn they these concepts are not diametrically opposed.
for all of the questions that take up space in my mind around money and security, i don’t have many answers at the moment. what i do have this morning is some momentary clarity, and i’ve been making it my practice to really relish in feelings of clarity when they arise, fleeting as they may be. “let yourself be guided by moments of clarity rather than your moments of doubt and uncertainty” [yes i am quoting myself here.]
this morning, i woke up and took stock of my to-do list for the first time since before christmas. it is, as always, long. it could, as usual, overwhelm me, but this morning instead of overwhelm i am filled with a tremendous sense of purpose and gratitude. every single thing on my list is a task directly associated with dreams that i am building. i am recognizing how supported i am by the universe, by my communities, my intuition, and even sometimes by my monkey-mind thoughts. i am being supported to create all of the things that my stacked aries 5th house wants to create.
i may not have a longterm vision of how these things will support me financially at the moment, (or even into next month) and that is scary sometimes and i will probably feel scared about it later today, but in this very moment, i have all of my basic needs met. i have money to pay january rent. i have food in the fridge. i have the freedom to take the next couple of days off. i have time to stop and reflect and write this. i have a little bit of money still in savings. i have a supportive and loving partner. i have people signing up for my astrology and reiki classes, people booking readings with me. i have an actual dream-come-true community of people growing inner sense healing arts. i have free lance jobs that feel exciting and aligned. i have projects coming up that i’m excited about. i have people out there networking for me without me even being aware. and in the moments when i allow myself to notice all of these things and let the fear and the lack mentality temporarily subside, usually something pops up that brings in a little more money, reminding me that i do and will have everything i need.
appreciating this moment that is encouraging me to feel grateful. forgiving myself for the moments when an attitude of gratitude is elusive. honoring all the parts of myself and of this path.